


All My Life

by ShaneVansen



Category: Haven - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-29
Updated: 2012-12-29
Packaged: 2017-11-22 19:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/613569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneVansen/pseuds/ShaneVansen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I would have loved you all my life.  (S3 spoilers through <i>Last Goodbyes</i> fair game; an "Audrey's fate" fic)</p>
            </blockquote>





	All My Life

**Author's Note:**

> Title (and summary) from "Losing Your Memory" by Ryan Star, because I start surfing song lyrics when I'm stuck for titles.
> 
> Yeah, um, I'm not sure about this one. Not something I think will actually happen but the story wanted to be written anyway. Quite possibly very OOC. Beware the angst.
> 
> Thanks to December21st for the beta. :)

One second there's nothing, and the next second there's a barn.

The three of them stop at the edge of the field as though getting too close means getting pulled in – for all they know, that's a legitimate concern – and examine the perfectly normal-looking structure. It seems old, well-established, and if she hadn't seen it appear with her own eyes Audrey would have sworn it had been right in this spot for decades at least. The wood is worn and grey with exposure, faint hints of red suggesting it had once been painted, and all around it the grass grows up against its sides like it's always been there.

It's hard to believe that this is the building that will change her life. _No_ , she amends to herself, _not change it. Erase it_. Something in this barn will take her away, wipe her memories, and keep her somewhere unreachable for the next twenty-seven years before bringing her right back to Haven to start all over again. It's enough to override her anger at the injustice of it all and start the fear churning in her stomach.

"You don't have to do this."

Audrey smiles a little, not because any of this is the least bit amusing but because they've already had this conversation and if she doesn't smile, she'll cry. She's had enough of crying today.

"You know I do." She glances over at Nathan and the anguish on his face leaves her chest so tight that for a few seconds she can't even breathe. She takes a few steps closer, slipping her hand into his, and he holds on so tightly it hurts. "We already talked about this, Nathan. I go away and so do the Troubles. It's the only way."

"Maybe it isn't," he argues, but they've gone over this already, again and again, naked and in her bed between sharing secrets and touches and bodies. At least he'll have some good memories to hold on to, even if she won't remember for much longer.

Audrey tilts her head to the side and gives Duke a look, and he nods and turns away, giving her and Nathan a minute. They'd tried to say their goodbyes earlier but it's so much harder to walk away from him than she had ever anticipated.

"It's the way it's always been done," she reminds him, even though he's heard it before and it's a weak argument anyway. They just don't have much in the way of options. Maybe doing something different will break the cycle, she can't deny that, but they don't know how her staying would affect the town. Maybe the Troubles would stop for good, or maybe it would make everything a hundred times worse. Without knowing more, it's a risk they can't take.

"Nathan," she starts, but she can't do this, she can't have this conversation again with the barn sitting right there, waiting to take her away. Instead she reaches up, curling her fingers around the back of his neck and pulling him down into a kiss and, dammit, she promised herself she wouldn't cry but the tears just. won't. stop.

One of Nathan's hands comes up to cradle the side of her face, his other arm wrapping low around her waist to bring her closer, and Audrey thinks again about how _unfair_ it all is. She doesn't want much, just wants to do her job and help the Troubled and live her life with this man who deserves so much better than what she's leaving him with. That's not too much to ask for, is it?

A strange vibration runs through her body, a pull toward the barn like it senses what she's thinking, and Audrey knows they're almost out of time.

She slides her hand from his neck up into his hair, softening their kiss as her other hand fumbles in her coat pocket. He doesn't feel the prick of the needle as it pierces his hip, but a few moments later he pulls back, looking confused. "Audrey?" he slurs, eyes already drooping closed, and she drops the needle to catch him when his knees give way.

"I'm sorry," she whispers as she guides him to the ground, careful that he doesn't hit his head. "I'm so sorry." But she's pretty sure he was going to try to follow her into the barn and that is, hands down, a sacrifice she is not willing to make. Her life is expendable; his is not. As far as Audrey's concerned, it's as simple as that.

He's trying hard to keep his eyes open, his hand reaching for her clumsily, and she takes it in both of hers. She leans down, presses a kiss to his forehead, his cheek, his lips, before sitting back. "I love you," she tells him, over and over, and hopes he'll remember it when he wakes up. 

Hopes he will forgive her for what she's done.

She's just managed to get herself under control when a hand lands on her shoulder. Audrey looks up to see Duke, and the expression on his face is almost enough to set her off once more. "Don't you dare make me start crying again," she warns him shakily. "I'm still armed, you know." 

He lets out a startled, unsteady laugh. "Noted." He squeezes her shoulder and then holds out his hand to help her up. Audrey brings the back of Nathan's hand to her lips one last time before letting go and getting to her feet.

She looks across the small clearing at the barn. Nothing's changed but it's as if she can feel its impatience, can feel its pull, urging her inside. She turns her back on it.

"Are you sure you don't want me to knock you out?" she asks Duke, though he's already refused. They'd talked about it, about how Nathan would be a little less inclined to want to kill him if Audrey sedated him too, but Duke felt it would be safer if at least one of them were conscious.

"Nah," he says, waving a hand through the air like he doesn't have a care in the world, and Audrey's more grateful for this moment of normalcy than she could say. "I'm a great actor. I'll play dead until after he wakes up, just tell him that you got me too. He won't suspect a thing."

"Right." They both know that Nathan won't take a single thing Duke says at face value, but if Duke wants to risk it, that's his call. Besides, Audrey agrees that knocking them both out and leaving them unprotected is a bad idea.

She steps forward, pushing up on her feet to press a goodbye kiss to his lips before wrapping her arms around his waist in a hug. He hugs her back, holding her close.

"I left a video," she says, her voice muffled by his chest. "For me, when I come back. It's on the laptop in my apartment. Will you make sure I get it?"

"Of course." He presses a lingering kiss to her forehead before letting her go.

She looks over her shoulder at the barn, then down at Nathan and back to Duke. "Take care of each other for me."

"You got it," he says, and when she hesitates he steps closer and brushes his hand down her arm. "We've got it covered, Audrey. Nathan'll be fine, the town will be fine."

"And you?" she asks.

"Me? I'm always fine. You should know that by now."

"Yeah," she breathes, her chest aching again at the grief already showing on his face, but the barn's pull is more insistent now and she knows it's time to go. She grabs his hand and squeezes it as a last goodbye, gives in to one final look down at Nathan sleeping in the grass, and turns and strides across the clearing.

She opens the door, the squeak of the hinges loud in her ears, and looks back over her shoulder at Duke. "Thank you," she calls across the space separating them. "For everything."

"Same goes," he replies, and his voice only cracks a little as he adds, "See you around, Officer Agent Parker." The old nickname makes her smile, recalling her first months in Haven. There's so much she's going to miss. 

Or she would, if she could remember any of it.

Audrey draws a breath and steps inside the barn.

_\--end--_


End file.
